Okay, silly title...but it makes total sense to me (and I'm betting to a number of other adoptive parents as well).
This morning Rodas and I were picking out some peaches at the grocery store when a woman walks up to Rodas--without even glancing my way or saying anything--and starts combing her hands through Rodas' hair. She then grabs Rodas' chin and tries to get her to look at her. She's not really aggressive, but she's very direct and her manner was as though she was looking for something on Rodas (lice? Trying to see if Mom was taking care of her hair? I don't know...). I was very taken aback. Rodas was as well, as she immediately stiffened up and withdrew (as if to say, go ahead and touch me but I'm taking my soul out of it). She's done this before and I know she likes to be the one to initiate physical touch (as it should be) ESPECIALLY from strangers. I know I wouldn't enjoy some complete stranger walking up to me and running their hands through my hair and looking me over like a doll they might buy.
I firmly tried to give the woman the hint to remove her hands from my daughter by saying "Excuse me, my daughter's not used to complete strangers coming up and petting her." I said it with a smile to lighten it, but obviously it was too light because the woman tried to get Rodas to look at her once again then she just smiled at us and walked off!
I got down on Rodas' level and asked her if that had made her uncomfortable...she nodded. I told her that it made me uncomfortable as well. I explained that I was sure the woman did it because Rodas was so beautiful that she couldn't help herself. I said that she is so adorable sometimes people don't believe that she is a real girl and have to touch her to see if she is real.
I didn't know what else to say, except that I would not let anyone do that to her again. She nodded and said she wanted me to do that.
Driving home, I felt frustrated and mad at myself for letting it happen. I had known the likelihood of this happening as it is mentioned in transracial adoption books and other parents of transracial adoptees have mentioned it. For some reason, a white woman with a black child somehow invites the hands-on investigation like Rodas experienced today. Most of the time it is innocent and, as I described it to Rodas, I think that people just feel inexorably drawn to such cuteness. Maybe it happens to all cute little girls and boys--I do know it didn't happen to my adorable two sons when they were little. I do know that it often happens to both girl and boy transracial adoptees. Often it is just invasive or uber-personal questioning, but we seem to attract people that just want to "pet" our daughters!
Some parents use the opportunity to be a good "adoption representative" and try to educate and enlighten. This was what I prepared myself to do before the girls came home--being a white Mom to two gorgeous chocolate children is pretty much a blatant advertisement for transracial adoption. It invites comment and question and I want to respond with respect and openness. But this morning, and the other times that something similar has happened to the girls, it didn't feel like innocent questioning. No words happened, but I felt as though Rodas and I had been through the Inquisition. People never just walked up to Wyatt or Noah and pawed all over them.
I can't help questioning if people do this because it is obvious that I am not Rodas or Tsegereda's biological mother and thus, in their minds, I am not the "real" authority over them. With me being sidelined in their mind, the child is open to investigation, whether it is to make sure that she is being properly taken care of or simply because she is so cute. I'm not her REAL Mom, so go ahead, kiss her cheek, rub her arms, pet or pick through her hair, try to pick her up (all these actions have been done by complete strangers to one or both of my daughters at stores). Maybe it's similar to the draw people feel when they see a pregnant belly--some women cannot resist the temptation to touch another woman's soft roundness--as though the fact that the belly thrust out there is an entity separate from the rest of the woman's body and thus is "o.k" to touch even if they've never met the woman before. Perhaps my daughters' color separates them in some people's minds from a maternal association to me? I hate to generalize so...but even if that's not what they generally think it IS what it feels like.
So what do I wish I had said to that woman in the store today and others that have groped my daughters in the past?
I am their MOTHER. They are MY DAUGHTERS. Black, white, it makes no difference.
Please TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF THEM! I would love to talk with you or answer questions about adoption, or hear suggestions about hair care or tales about your children...but please, don't touch my children in such a personal way. It discounts me and it makes my children feel physically accosted. How would you like it if I did the same to you or your kids?????
I laughed at the title! How apt! People pet my son all the time too. Here's my take on it- who knows if I'm right or wrong though. Most people don't go around touching other people's hair with the exception of the people we love and are closest too- really close. That being said, most white people have never touched black hair. They've read about it the "wooly" feel, they've heard about the "courseness" or the "silky soft curls" but they've never actually touched it. I've had several good friends, roommates even, from all over the world of many different ethnicities, and I've never touched their hair, nor have I touched the hair of person of African descent until I finally held my son. I'm betting that most white folks are intensely curious as to what it feels like, and figure that I understand their curiosity, and therefore it's ok to subtly 'pet' my son. (Granted, there was nothing subtle about what that lady did with your daughter.) For the most part, I just smile inwardly and let them get their feel. They do it in a loving and affectionate manner, and I (think) I believe the root of it, so it doesn't bother me as long as it doesn't bother my son. Clearly what happened with your daughter was out of line. That is much different than friendly people 'copping a feel.' She was quite rude, and I'm so sorry that she made your daughter feel uncomfortable about it. No good!
ReplyDeleteWow. I can relate. We have experienced this! Apparently signing up to adopt kids that don't look like you gives permission for people to lose their normal socially appropriate boundaries. We have infant twins, so add up the baby factor, they look different from me and there is two of them and I want to go in public wearing a big sign saying "back-off"! ;)
ReplyDeleteAmy G.
www.jonandamyg.blogspot.com
This is not just a phenomena of transracial adoption; as it happens with my two caucasion appearing daughters. I see it as people being curious about our families and that curiosity sometimes translating into inappropriate questions, comments, and touching. Being adoptive families makes us different, which seems to free people from their normal boundaries.
ReplyDeleteInstances when people have tried to pet Sarah's curls (yes, part African American), or, as the women did with Rodas, turn Hannah's face to get a better look at those "exotic" eyes (again yes, part Asian) have often left me feeling frustrated and ineffectual at protecting my children.
I have chosen to use these moments to teach my girls about boundaries, rather than try to educate the masses about adoption. We have talked about how they can ask an adult to stop doing something (touching or questioning) that is making them uncomfortable and have developed a signal, particularly for Hannah who doesn't like to be touched by family friends much less complete strangers, to let me know when they want me to intervene.
It is a lot to expect from a child when there are so many adults who can't seem to maintain proper boundaries; so I try to watch their body language and step in and help whenever they seem to need me. However, I also know that they are going to be fielding questions at school where I won't be able to help out; so perhaps these intrusive stangers are just providing practice for when they will truly be handling things on their own.
OOOOOOOOhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat just makes me cringe! Well, I'm glad you have the advice of others who have adopted, but I would have been tempted to just flatten that lady right there!!! EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!!!! I may have even restorted to petting her hair and grabbing her chin to loook into it and say "How do you think it feels?" I definitely would have been a bit more aggressive - it's a good thing I wasn't there, I may have gotten myself into a bit of a sticky wicket!!! It sounds like you addressed the situation well. I can't believe she didn't even apologize or realize that what she was doing was TOTALLY inappropriate - especially AFTER your comment to her!!!! Wow! Good job Kristin for keeping your cool.
That is so frustrating. I have it happen to my youngest daughter, who is my biological daughter, all the time. She is so white haired and porcelain skinned that we don't leave our house that someone doesn't stop and touch her hair and face. As a parent it is very uncomfortable, and as the child it is happening too it must be very frightening. How as parents do we teach our children to show respect, yet let them know it's ok to say "BACK OFF". That lady must have been STUPID not to have understood your comment. Good job on trying to control the situation.
ReplyDelete