This brings me to the entry for today...why adoption and why Africa? I get asked this quite a bit, usually in round-a-bout ways. As you have already seen, dealing with Africa is like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates--you seriously never know what you're gonna "git" from one day to the next. It is a roller coaster ride with tall mountains where everything seems to work so fast it's breathtaking, followed by low valleys where laws change overnight and on a whim--often wreaking total havoc on those of us trying to hold on as we go careening up and down. So why put yourself through that? Seriously. And the money? Adoption is not cheap, and international adoption is really not cheap. Factor in having a good chunk of it stolen, and it just really doesn't make sense. Seriously...it doesn't.
Well, welcome to adoption. It doesn't always make sense. It just is. It is a choice, but for most of us it doesn't feel that way. If you talk to most adoptive parents, I bet that they will tell you that they felt "driven" to adopt. Whether it was their only option for a child or whether, as in our case, it was something that they just felt they were supposed to do--it is a drive that comes from deep within. Once you decide to adopt, it seems to envelop you body and soul and you KNOW that you will do whatever it takes to find the child or children that are meant for you. Because, once you decide to adopt you realize that there is someone waiting for you...there is a reason you were brought to this decision and this journey. It doesn't make sense, it just is.
Colt and I first discussed adoption after we had Noah. My pregnancy with him was very difficult and I have had hormonal problems (migraines and continuous headaches) ever since then. I became very worried that my issues were hereditary (my paternal grandmother and maternal aunt suffered with similar issues), and we discussed adoption-not wanting to take the chance of having a girl and passing the awful pain down to her. Although I biologically can have more children, the idea of adoption has taken such root within us that even if we were assured that the hormonal issues would not be passed down (and, technically there is a very good chance that a biological daughter of mine would NOT have the issues that I have had), we still would not veer from the path of adoption. We both just know now that it is what we are meant to do. And, that Africa is where our children are.
We did discuss domestic adoption, but ruled it out do to complications that we had seen others go through regarding birth parents changing their minds, etc. For me, there was never really a question as I have been pulled since I was very young to Africa. It has always been within me and as we discussed adoption, I knew why. My big-hearted husband was not as picky about where, so he let me point us to the continent and then we both decided on the specific country. Colt and I discussed countries and looked at agencies and finally decided to take the leap in December of 2007. We hopped on the roller coaster and here we are, still hanging on for dear life.
I often get comments from people that don't understand why we are choosing to adopt from foreign shores when there is so much need here, in our very own community. Well, we agree there is a need here, and throughout the U.S.. But Colt and I firmly believe that a child is a child, no matter where they are from. Every child deserves a future, every child deserves a home, a family, LOVE--no matter where they were born. Orphans or children in foster care in America DO NOT have it easy, but most will at least have the opportunity for a future thanks to the foster care system. For most orphans in third world countries, their countries are simply unable to care for the massive numbers of orphans and relinquished children and so adoption can literally be a matter of life or death. Without adoption, thousands more of these children would be out on the street.
I am not trying to act the part of the martyr and make it seem as though adopting internationally is more ethically imperative than adopting domestically. It's not. I honestly believe that every child deserves a loving family and a future EVERYWHERE. There are 148 MILLION orphans worldwide (Unicef 2008)--that's half the total population of the U.S. There are also millions more children that are abandoned, sold or trafficked. In the U.S. there are 500,000 children in foster care, 130,000 of which are available for adoption. They all need homes. Colt and I simply feel that we are meant to adopt from Africa.
The transracial aspect may cause some questions in others as well, though no one has asked me about it directly. There are a number of advocates that believe children should only be adopted within their race. Our response to that, quite simply, is that we don't. We believe that what matters most is that you raise your child with love, stability and ethics. We are NOT color-blind, nor will our children be. We will do all that we can to raise all our children to be proud of who they are, where they came from, and be comfortable in their skin whatever color it may be. We will talk of racism, because chances are they all will feel it one way or another. I may not raise Tse and Ro the same way an African American mother would, or their Ethiopian birth mother would if she could, but I'm not raising my boys the same way my white friends raise their white kids. The beauty of human nature is that we are all different. I am me and you are you. I can guarantee you that my girls will be loved and cherished and raised to know the beauty that exists within their gorgeous brown skin.
It is absolutely amazing how strongly you can love a child that you have never met, but you can. I loved Wyatt and Noah (in between bouts of intense nausea) before I ever "saw" them and I love Tse and Ro with only a picture showing me that they are real. It does not matter where they were born or of whose flesh they came from. Love doesn't sprout from flesh, it grows within the heart.
"Not flesh of my flesh, Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
You didn't grow under my heart - but in it"
Author: Fleur Conkling Heylinger
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