Recap of the past month:
Let's see...the kids participated in a wonderful Christmas program at school and enjoyed a two-week Christmas break. We would have liked more snow, but it is what it is. The break and Christmas zoomed by quick, filled with presents, traveling, laughter and yelling, tears and hugs, torn ACL's (Sage) and the stomach flu (all over Nana's couch and floor). School came again, and with it a trip back to Price to see some dear friends but also to mourn the loss of a great man, our past Bishop in Price. He fought cancer for eight years and underwent triple-digit chemotherapy treatments, never giving up. He was a kind and generous soul and will be missed. We returned home to Tsegereda Rosalie turning 10 years old, something she is not thrilled about as growing up is not something she's sure she wants to do quite yet. The presents and cake are cool, though. (0: Jasper is now an "it" which has brought with it some interesting discussions with the kids, and we are looking towards two more surgeries in the near future as Colt needs major oral surgery done to fix some faulty root canals done when he was a kid whose bottom front teeth got in the way of a speeding metal sled and Sage needs her rear ACL fixed (it's really a CCL in a dog, but if I wrote that you'd be like, her what?). So, 2012, here we go!
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| First hunt for Christmas tree took one day, lots of mud, and resulted in: a porcupine. Cool, but not appropriate for ornaments and lights. |
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| Second attempt to find Christmas tree took one day, tears at evil snowshoes until they got the hang of it (girls), and the perfect tree for us. |
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| Mom and kids after the tree hunt. |
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| Our perfect little Christmas tree. |
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| Presents, oh yeah! |
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| Star Wars AND M&Ms--she is the best sister EVER! |
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| Mortenson Christmas Mayhem |
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| Tse and Branlon, the newest addition to the Mortenson clan. |
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| When you're desperate for snow, you'll make do with however much you've got. |
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| Yup, she's 10 now (gulp!) |
As for the following, this is mostly a memo to myself...a wrestling match over how to learn to love who you are in order to give to others better. It's probably whiny and petty, but if you're bored then you're welcome to come along. Pull up yer pants and wade in...
So, my goal after my last post was to cowgirl-up and show more love without expecting a return. How'd I do last month? I sucked at it. Seriously. I sucked. I put in some effort at first--hugging her a lot more than normal--and she really responded, but then the hassle of everyday life took over and I fell back into my normal rut. Mechanical Mommy--here's your lunch, have a good day at school, condition and comb never-ending curls, exercise, clean dishes, clean toilets, laundry, make lunch, don't eat with your daughter because if you do she will chatter nonsense the whole time and take two hours to eat (not joking), check email, laundry, etc. Christmas break made it worse because it was an extra busy time and having the kids home again was surprisingly stressful as I really missed my daytime quiet. Anyways, short of it is, I need to do better because I haven't pulled my boots on properly and really worked at it. I know it will help.
What's more, I need to spread it around. As I wrote my last entry, I wrote it saying in my head that this so applies to spouses, too--especially mine. I needed to cowgirl-up with him as well, as he is very similar to Rodas in his language of love. Over thirteen years of marriage I really have tried, but it never seems enough. I need my personal space and easily feel smothered. He loves to be smothered. We inherently treat others as we would like to be treated, and thus we often end up doing the opposite of what the other wants. We speak our own language of love, not theirs. How can miscommunication not happen?!
I know this, and have tried for 13 years to be what he needs, but I always come up woefully short. Mostly because I'm emotionally drained by motherhood and plagued by pesky migraines, but also partly because I selfishly guard myself from giving everything of myself--been there, done that. Won't again.
If I give everything, then what is left of me?
Of course, that begs the question: who is me? Mother and wife. That's it. And that is what I think might be the greatest issue that I need to wrestle with. Growing up I had some seriously big dreams. Africa-big dreams. I knew where I was going and that somehow I was going to make a difference in the world. I was told more than once that I was meant to do something important with my life. I'd had a paycheck since I was 11 (seriously), I'd traveled alone to South Africa to stay for the summer at 14, and was a student ambassador to the Soviet Union after that. I had focus and I was headed somewhere.
Then I came to an unexpected Y in my life journey and I took a fork that led me away from all that I was to be. It was my choice, and I won't say that it was wrong because that would be denying the blessings that are in my life today. But it was uncharted territory and I became a person unknown to me.
I have been trying to get to know me ever since. I am mother and wife--but I don't recognize me. Someone very intuitive once wrote to me that "some people have to look and act busy to feel important." Yup. That's me. I do the laundry, cook meals, clean house, become scout leader, coach soccer, volunteer at school, stay at home while hubby travels...all in an effort to be the best Mom and Wife that I can be, because that is who I am supposed to be. And I need to be...I need to feel...important.
But I'm failing. Miserably.
In the LDS Church, there is a creed recited every Sunday in the Relief Society. The RS is the organization of women dedicated to serving all those in need--spiritually and physically. Their motto: Charity never faileth! The creed that is recited includes a phrase that has haunted me ever since I first heard it:
"Find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood."
I love it. I want it! I don't feel it, yet, but I know I should. That's the problem, I know that I should feel this about being a Mom and Wife--it's what I chose, and fought hard for--but I don't know HOW to simply enjoy it! When Noah lies to my face about washing his hands or brushing his teeth--I have failed. When Rodas spits in Colt's face and throws daggers with her eyes at me--I have failed. When Tsegereda consistently doesn't understand that a quarter-of-an-hour is the same as 15 minutes--I have failed. When Wyatt is curled around the toilet for hours, his tummy a bundle of pain and acid--I have failed. When Colt is tired and stressed and spends hours on the computer instead of talking to me--I have failed.
How can I enjoy and find nobility in something that I am failing at so miserably? I know that I should see the good things...the weight that Rodas is finally gaining, the pure joy on Tsegereda's face when she reads out loud, the kindness when Noah shares all his giant candybar with his siblings, the intelligence when Wyatt passes his multiplication tables. But I can't take much credit for these, they are mostly inherent.
The worst failing? If you don't know who you are, how can you truly give of yourself?
And there's the petty resentment. I begin to resent the fact that I feel like I'm the only one who has to give...give to the kids all of me...give to the husband all of me. What's left? Where am I? I am lost. I am defined now by others, not by myself. Of course, Colt probably feels the exact same way...and added to that he goes to a job everyday that stresses him out and twists his stomach in knots. But it also takes him away in a good sense...it sends him to Mozambique and all over the country, and it gives him an outlet for the side of him that is not Father and Husband. He is still, partly, defining himself.
I hate to cook and clean. So how do you love what you are when you feel like an imposter? I think that's the key to learning to speak love to my husband and my children better. I need to accept who I am. I need to find and accept that nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood. I need to understand that being a good wife and mother IS doing something important with my life. It WILL change the world, hopefully for the better (visions of Noah running for Congress or selling used cars crop up). In order to be a good wife and mother, I need to love who I am, where I am, and give without expecting a return. I need to stop doing the laundry all the time and start enjoying my kids and husband more.
'Course, knowing that is a whole lot easier than living it.
And the laundry pile just keeps getting bigger the less you do it...
